


Expecting

by angst__queen



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Heavy Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Suicidal Thoughts, author is projecting, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-11 07:35:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18425955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angst__queen/pseuds/angst__queen
Summary: Peter wasn’t sure how he ended up here, but here he was swinging his legs back on forth, hundreds of feet above icy cold waters. This sight to the late night traffic and pedestrians may not have been a possible worry to see Spider-Man sitting on a high place, except he wasn’t in the suit. He was just some kid wearing sweatpants, a crewneck, some socks, and a mask.or, Peter ended up at a high place during the lowest low in his life.





	Expecting

Peter Parker was never one for expectations. After losing close to all of his family, having the city near his be attacked by aliens, and becoming a superhero, he never really was one to expect what life would throw at him next. Sure, he could expect how the day would go at the basics, getting up, going to school, having classes, get beat up by Flash and his friends, then go patrol or get in the car Happy picks him up in and go to the tower for whatever the rest of the day will bring him; however, anything in between can’t exactly be planned. Being Spider-Man and all, and living in the alien prone state of New York, it was hard to wake up knowing how his day would exactly go.

Expectations were hard for him, but he would never have expected to be 17 and sitting on a bridge arch in queens. Cars flew past him, unknowing of his presence, but in his disassociated state their presence made no impact on him either.

Peter wasn’t sure how he ended up here, but here he was swinging his legs back on forth, hundreds of feet above icy cold waters. This sight to the late night traffic and pedestrians may not have been a possible worry to see Spider-Man sitting on a high place, except he wasn’t in the suit. He was just some kid wearing sweatpants, a crewneck, some socks, and a mask. He didn’t want to risk waking May by grabbing his shoes from the front room, so he skipped on it when leaving through his window.

It was a Friday night. He usually stayed out pretty late on weekend nights, but maybe 2:30 am was a little too late.

_I wonder what Mr. Stark would think if he knew how late I was out,_ the boy thought to himself, _disappointment? Frustration? Anger?_ He doubts he’d be around for long enough to figure out what the inventor’s thoughts would be.

The thoughts of his mentor bring his brain to a-whole-nother track.

He’s looked up to the man for practically his whole life, yet not even the idea of working and fighting alongside with him can bring him out of this state of mind. He looked up to him so much, but did that also mean Tony looked down on him? Sure, the man was the father figure Peter thought he’d never find again but did Stark think of Peter as a son? Maybe he didn’t, but that didn’t stop Peter from caring for the man like he would his own father.

Maybe he didn’t want to leave. He could easily still get down, go home, sleep the night away, and pretend nothing ever happened; but, he made no effort to move. He released a soft breath and looked off at the sky dimly lit by the moon.

Peter doesn't know why he does what he does next. Maybe he truly did want to be saved. Maybe it was an internal cry for help. But even after doing it he feels nothing new. No regret, no fear, no pounding anxiety about sending it. The same hollowness still haunts him and he continues to swing his legs.  
  
\------  
  
Tony Stark has always been one to expect the unexpected. After fighting multiple beings from space, and after being in space himself, nothing truly surprised him anymore. Well, that was what he would have said before he met Peter Parker.  
  
Tony sat at his workbench, tinkering with a new small project when his phone went off. He usually would wait to finish what he was doing before checking, but knowing it was past 2 in the morning and that was his personal phone, he knew whatever it was had to be something important.  
  
He set down the screwdriver and leaned back in his chair as he grabbed his phone. He opened it to see the name "Spidey" in his notifications. That woke him up from his previous "I haven't slept in 18 hours" daze. He clicked the pop-up and unlocked his phone, unable to read the notification yet as he didn't trust enough to have readable notifications on his lock screen.  
  
Tony Stark may not be able to expect the unexpected when it comes to Peter, but what he would never have guessed was a message with only a red heart. Now he was getting worried. He pressed the call button  
  
\-----  
  
Peter sat in the same position as he had been for the past hour with his mask on when he sees the screen light up with an incoming call. A dark, empty chuckle comes out of the teen. Before, he would have been ecstatic about it. Maybe do a few flips, ran around even, before quickly answering. But now, he just stared at the incoming call.  
  
"Peter, there's an incoming called from Mr. Stark. Would you like to answer?" Karen's voice came through.  
  
Peter stayed quiet and just listened to it ring for a couple of times before replying quietly, "No... Just let it ring."  
  
"Okay, but you do seem to be in distress. Are you sure you would not like to talk to the boss?"  
  
Peter sighed, answering defeatedly, "I'm sure, Karen."  
  
Peter sat in silence for a few moments before another call came through, once again from Tony.  
  
"Peter, there is another incoming call-"  
  
"Ignore it," Peter cut her off.  
  
"I'm sorry, Peter, but the call is being forced through. Answering call now."  
  
Peter should have expected that. He knew he shouldn't have sent that message, but in his defense, he still wasn't sure why he had sent it in the first place.  
  
"Pete?"  
  
The spiderling sat there, watching his legs swing. He thought of what would happen if he was wearing shoes. Would they fall off? Land on someone's car? Land in the ice cold ocean? Would they be found one day or-  
  
"Pete?" Mr. Stark's voice came through louder the second time, "What's going on, bud? What was that message?"  
  
_Irony,_ Peter thought. Not even he knew the answer to those questions. Maybe he would if he just thought about his situation for a second, but he couldn't really think about anything. Nothing made sense. Nothing seemed real. He thought about lying. Maybe giving an 'oh I was tried and accidentally tapped that when falling asleep on my phone’ but couldn't muster up the ability come up with a good story.  
  
"Nothing really," he humored himself.  
  
"Yeah? I don't believe that because it's long past 2 in the morning and you're somewhere I'm guessing isn't home with your mask on sending a vague and worrying message." That made Peter think for just a second. Worrying? What was so worrying about a heart?  
  
"Kid, I need an answer here. These gaps of silence aren't helping any of us. Where are you? Why can't I track your suit?"  
  
"I'm not wearing it," Peter truthfully told the man on the call.  
  
"Okay, but you're wearing your mask," Tony wasn't sure if he was asking Peter or telling himself this information, "why do you only have on your mask?"  
  
"Karen is good company."  
  
Tony could hear the mellowness in the teenager's voice; a sound he never heard in the kid's voice and he never thought it would be something he'd ever hear.  
  
"Pete, where are you?"  
  
Peter hummed before responding, "outside."  
  
"I'm gonna need a little more than that, kid." Tony was now standing and making his way to the balcony, suit already forming around him. Peter could tell by the audio change in the call from the phone to the suit and the sounds of the repulsors. "Peter I need you to tell me where you are. You need to answer me. God, why didn't I put a tracker in the mask too..." He whispers the last part to himself but Peter can still hear it.  
  
_Strange,_ Peter thinks to himself, why did Mr. Stark want to know his location? What even was his current location? Peter didn't mean it literally, but also, how did he mean it? Did he mean mentally? Physically? Back with the questions again. He was so far gone in his head he hasn't realized he was speaking until the words were already out of his mouth.  
  
"Do you think it'll be cold?"  
  
"What will be cold, kid?" Tony sounded distressed, but Peter couldn't find it in him to ask why. Deep down, under the disassociated state, he knew why.  
  
"The water."  
  
"Water? Pete, are you-"  
  
"Maybe it won't be cold. Maybe I won't feel after hitting it." He ended up just zoning out at the thought, thinking about the arctic waters splashing underneath him, the curiosity of whether or not he’ll feel it when he hits it.  
  
"Peter!" _Oh,_ he realized, Tony must have been trying to get his attention. "Peter are you... Nevermind. I'm coming to get you." Well, that wasn't good.  
  
"No, Mr. Stark, that's okay. It was nice talking to you-"  
  
"Peter Parker, do not hang up on me-"  
  
"Thanks for calling. Have a nice night. Karen end call."  
  
"I'm sorry but Mr. Stark must authorize the call's end."  
  
"Activate protocol Airplane Mode."  
  
"Call Ended."

He never expected there’d be a time he would need to use that, but he’s decided to stop expecting things lately. Expectations often lead to disappointments.  
  
Peter closed his eyes and took in a long, deep breath. He tried to focus on anything that wasn't the endless, silent voices ringing throughout his head, but nothing helped. They all screamed at him. Most were words of encouragement to continue into the water; however, there were a couple tiny one's trying to get him to rethink it all. Making him think everyone would miss him.  
  
_No,_ he says to them, _they would miss Spider-man._ As far as he understood, Peter Parker was just a waste of space, time, and money. May and Ben had taken him in out of pity towards him and his parents. And now because of him, Ben was gone. May was stuck working more than she would've ever had to just to support them both. And then there was Tony. He only knew about Peter because of Spider-Man. The spiderling had gotten in more trouble than needed, Toombes and the snap, and knew Stark was tired of having to pick up after some teenager. He knew he had made the right decision.

Peter stood up and made sure not to slip because of his socks. He looked back down at the water and calculated the time of the fall. _A few seconds. Probably 5 at most. It’s far, but it can’t take too long._

All previous thoughts of backing down and going home had all left. He was now filled with a strange feeling of adrenaline and peace. His mind melts of the worries he previously held onto. The thoughts in the back of his head wondering where Tony was and if he was too close were all gone.

“Karen?”

“Yes, Peter?”

“You’re the best AI anyone could ask for.”

“Thank you for the compliment, but you seem to be in distress. Are you sure airplane mode is the best option for right now?”

The comment went to deaf ears. “Thank you, Karen, for everything.”

“Pe-” he took the mask off before she could say anything else and set it down on the bridge next to him along with his web shooters. He had a rock with him in case he did end up where he currently is. He set the rock on top of the mask to make sure it didn’t get whisked away and found by the wrong person. After making sure it was all ready for when Tony possibly arrived and found what he had left, he looked back out at the water below.

He took a step forward.

The chilled February winds blow past him unnoticed. The world will continue to go on. Sure, Queens will miss their hero, but there will always be so many other, more important heroes out there to save them whenever trouble will arise.

The bridge arc wasn’t that large. His next step took him off the hard surface and diving head first into the freezing waters.

Finally for once in as long as his distorted mind would take him, Peter felt at peace.

Peter may not be able to expect all things in life, but internally he did expect to be swept up in metal arms right before hitting the water. Instead, he crashed head first. He thought he’d lose consciousness instantly, but instead, he felt the icy burn of the water for seconds before realizing he wouldn’t die easily that way. _Of course,_ he thought, _my abilities won’t let me die that easily._ He knew hypothermia would catch up soon enough, quickly with his lack of thermoregulation, as he drowned and would cause him to, hopefully, lose consciousness before the burning sensation in his lungs from the lack of oxygen caught up to him.

He could feel his pulse quickly slow down and his eyes, which were staring at the blues around him, drooped close. His muscles relaxed and he fell through the water his limbs floated above his torso, almost like a movie scene.

_But this isn’t a movie. No one is saving me tonight._

He lazily opened his eyes one more time and softly smiles. Finally. Peace. He closed his eyes and allowed his body to shut down for good.

Just as he was about to fall into his eternal sleep, he felt his body take a gasp for air, only receiving a mouthful of water.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone reading this is going through anything making you feel like you could be in the same place as Peter in this story, please do not be afraid to reach out. The link to the international suicide hotlines is http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines . If anyone wants to, you can always pm me on here if you would like someone to talk to as well without calling the hotlines. Never be afraid to reach out to anyone and receive help. Stay safe <3
> 
> Sorry for the heavy angst but I had needed to write and project my emotions out. There would have been a second chapter to this, but I think it's going to be left as is so I can move onto the next writing project and I also like the way it ends and, though it's angsty as hell, I still like it heh. Anyways, thanks so much for reading and please stay safe <3


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